2/08/2007

I'm pathetic

I let my friendships suffer because of my fears. I watch as me and my closest friends painfully and slowly distance from one another. And what's even more painfull than watching this happen, is knowing that i'm the one causing this distance between me and the ones I love.

There's a painfull barrier that i've created out of fear that remains between me and everyone I know. Now, thanks to my pathetic self, I make my friends feel awful. As if they've done something to make me ignore them and treat them differently. When really? It's all me. Just going through my normal cycle of fears anytime I get to know anybody at all.

It's because of the way I run in fear.
It's because of me living in my past although i'm in the present.

I do not know how to have a friend anymore.
I've lost all I had to give.
Now I don't have direction,
I don't know how to get back to where I used to be.

I don't want to be this way, yet I am.
It's as if I only remember the times i've been rejected by people.
Therefor, I always run away in fear. Not knowing what else to do.
It's all i've ever known.

It results with me hurting innocent peoples lives who just wanted to be my friend. Yet I back off completely, making them feel confused and hurt as if they caused the problem.

Not only am I pathetic because of this, I'm also pathetic because I have no purpose on anyone. I do not say this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I say this because i'm ashamed of myself. I know i've brought this hell upon myself. I just sit around hating life, I never really go out there and do anything. I just sit here and think about all the horrible things that are happening to me. I sit here and analyze God and how much I don't understand him and how much I don't understand why he gave me this life. I waste all this time on myself and leave no time for actually having a purpose or impact on this lost forsaken and broken world. Instead, I drown with the lost forsaken and broken world.

Why can't I change? Do I really have to live life so negatively? So horribly?
Do I have to analyze every single horrible figment that I see within life?

While doing so, I waste my time and become more selfish.
I lose more friends second by second.
I become more alone.
I lose hope.

That's all that I accomplish.

Their are people MUCH MORE broken out there than me, and yet I can't even find a way out of my brokenness to even see this. It's like i've lost the desire to be something. I've lost the desire for many things. I hate who i've become. I hate this selfish and lost and alone person i've become.

I've brought this suffering upon myself.

And now i'm losing the only things worth living for.
I'm losing the little of what I had left of myself.

God save me. God save all of us.
Please show yourself for once, just once!

Lora. Jayne at 9:43 PM