2/14/2006
Hey everybody, I need prayer. I'm not doing well. Haven't been for a long time. I've been trying to not talk about it on this blog, and i've been trying to act happy around others, cause I feel like everybody who sees me or whoever reads this will think i'm just trying to get attention by showing how I really feel, or I feel like i'll make people discouraged by posting how I really feel or showing how I really feel. I want each and every one of you to know i'm not out to get attention or worry you guys, I just need help and prayer, and I love posting my problems on my blog and expressing myself because each and every one of you encourage me so much and ussauly give me the hope I need to go on. And right now, i really need hope, cause I can't see it in anything. It's like things can't go well, no matter how hard I try to see the postitive in life. As for the things i've been struggling with, they've gotten worse and worse, but it's almost like i'm so used to going through stuff that I don't talk to anybody, cause I feel like in doing that, it's pointless. I don't see how all my friends are happy, they all are close in their walk with God, or at least really seem to be. They all have joy that I can never find, it makes me even more hopeless, it makes me feel even more like I can't be saved. I keep closing up and botteling everything inside, just waiting to breakdown again a couple of months later. Something I have gained through all this pain is closer friends. But even through that, i'm not satisfied, cause who I am around my friends is ussauly not me, I just don't ussauly know how to be myself, I don't know how to have fun around any of my friends, I always feel like everybodys just being my friend cause they feel sorry for me, I feel like i'm a failure to all of you, I feel like you all accept me only cause I need help. Honeslty, if I was in any of my friends shoes, I would not want to have me as a friend. I feel like I make others not have fun, because of the way i'm always depressed and going crazy in my mind and thoughts, because of the way i'm overthinking on everything when i'm around them, thinking things like "they hate me", or "I'm not wanted here in this friendship." I'm so scared i'm going to get hurt, i'm so scared i'm going to make myself so distant from my friends that they'll back off too. Thinking they did something wrong. It goes on from there. It's happened before. I always push thoose I love most away, it's almost like i'm so focused on my discouraging thoughts that I don't know how to have a friend or how to be a friend. My friends have been amazing to me, expessaily as of lately. I couldn't ask for better friends. But how to I accept something I completly don't deserve? I HATE who I am around my friends, I hate how I make everyone bored. Because of the fact that i'm ussualy being somebody i'm not or being insecure. I hate it. I just wan't some of my friends to see something in me. But I feel like everybody sees the same thing I see in me. I don't know how somebody could see something different. I'm always depressed, never satisfied, i'm selfish, alone and the stupidest friend ever created. I have prayed and prayed till I was on my knees screaming. And it's like there's nothing there. My walk with God is so weak that I feel like I don't even know him. I'm basically living for nothing right now. I'm absolutly sick of being depressed trapped in this house all the time. I bearly get out, and the times that I do get out, I ruin the fun by beliving all of the things that I feel. Every single thought that comes to my head I live by. I let them bring me down, I can't stop them from bringing me down. I LIVE by what I feel and think. I HATE it. My brother Ryan did the same thing, and he ended up on medication for his depression like i'm doing. He also made the whole family upset, he pushed all his friends away, ended up being alone. He had to even go see doctors. I don't want to get that bad, i'm headed down that path. I even thought about quitting church. I don't think I can handle it anymore. When I'm there, i just feel so out of place. I feel so discouraged around anyone. I just don't know how to feel like I fit in. I don't know how to express myself to anyone or how to let who I really am out. I just kinda sit back and watch everyone laugh and look happy while i'm so confused and i'm wondering how they can be happy. Cause I honestly hate life as of lately. As of the last year, all i've seen in this life is it's darkness. No light at all has been shown to me, through some friends yes, but it never lasts. Real light comes from God, that's what I can never find, and that's what I never have found. I never feel God. All I ever follow and live by are my thoughts and feelings. Satan controlls my mind, makes me feel like I don't belong here, makes me feel like i'm hated by everyone, and every single thing that pops into my mind, i believe it's true. It makes me HATE myself. I can't see anything right, I don't feel like i'm saved. I feel like I should quit church. Infact, I don't think I'll go tommorow. I just can't take this anymore. I know nobody wants me around, cause when I am, all I do is discourage people and bring others down. What's the point of going if I can't even find God? What's the point of going if I don't even know how to talk to people? I love my friends, they're here for me. But I don't know how to go to them for anything or really tell them what's going on. So many other things are going on, a lot of things I don't want to publicly announce. You don't have to leave long comments, I just need prayer, just be praying. I hate this medication my mom put me on, I don't want to be so weak to where I have to have medication for depression. I don't want to be so worried to where I can only sleep if i take sleeping pills at night. Why do I have to be like this, I'm such a failure, the worst i've ever seen. I ruin the fun every single place I go. I never can have fun, I can't get out of this hole i'm in, i've been in here for to long. Every time i've gathered up my hope it's only turned into discouraging thoughts that became so real that I lived by them, I still live by them. I can't do this anymore. Where's God? Why do I even have to live? I really don't want to be who I am. I hate this depressed hopeless person i've become. I didn't used to be like this. I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. Life sucks. Almost everything about it I can't see the hope or point in living any of it. It's like i'm stuck in this nightmare, every single second that passes by I wish would go faster, so that it could just all end. But what if when it does I don't go where I think i'm going? After all, I have no feelings towards God, there's like nothing there. I can't seem to want to find him, I hate it. I absolutly hate the way I can't see anything right, I have no purpose. I sometimes feel like I have no friends. And when they are there to proove me wrong, i don't know how to accept them. I deserve nothing, I deserve to die. I'm sorry for how i've been. I hate who I am. I know i've been a horable friend, sister and daughter, I really am sorry, all that I am is less than nothing, i'm filled with anger consantly, i'm filled with hate, i'm filled with sorrow, i'm filled with every single thing I don't want to be. I'm always seeing things discouraging even if they are encouraging. I can't take this anymore. I just need a purpose, I need to get a life. All that I do is live for no reason and get on the computer to ease all my pain. There's gotta be more to life than what I have. There's just gotta be more. I go to bed every night crying, I can't take it anymore, I mean i'm not trying to discourage you guys by telling you that, i'm just wondering how do I stop? When does it end? Why am I here? Do I have to be? I don't make a impact, I don't mean anything to anybody. What if I can't be saved, what if Satan has such a control of my mind that i'll never find God again or see hope ever again? What if I can never be myself around a friend ever again? There's just got to be more. I hate everything I am. I hate everything I do. I hate church now. I LOVE the people there, but I hate who I am there. I don't mean anything to anybody there. And i'm sure as soon as I walk into youthgroup I'm not wanted. Infact I know i'm not. What should I do? Where do I go? Why can't I be happy? Why am I so depressed? I'm just so sick of this. I've gone so far to the bottom that I even went back to secular music. Why? I don't even know. It's like things have gotten so bad that I don't care, I can't see the hope to get out of this, don't think I will, so I have given up. I don't know how else to handle this anymore. Please be praying. I can't take life anymore. I don't even want to live it. It's annoying, pointless and hopeless.
Thousand Foot Krutch "Stranger"
It's just the state of affection
Just need something to cure the infection
I don't want to be your misconception
No, no, I don't want to break the connection
It's just the pent up aggression
That drives me into this direction
If I had to ask just one question
"Oh no, how come they don't listen?"
I don't want to slip, I don't want to fall,
I don't want to care, or be here at all,
I don't want to crash, I don't want to burn,
I won't want to forget what I'v learned
[Chorus]
I'm a stranger that no one can see
A stranger to every part of me
I'm a stranger to all that I know
A stranger, everywhere I go
Sometimes I don't hate but I want to
Blinded by the reason I found you
It's just a feeling I get when I'm around you
Can you relate to what I'm going through?
How much farther will I get?
Man, I feel like such a moving target
how many times will I slip before I find it?
Until then I guess I'll just keep climbing
It's so hard when you're a loser
Heaven help us find our way
And it's so hard 'cause I'm a loser
Heaven help me feel okay
Lora. Jayne at 11:44 PM
6 Comments
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at Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Herohtar said... Lora!! First of all, it's not bad to tell people how you really feel, and they don't think you're just trying to get attention or something. I'm sorry you're not doing well; I'm praying for you. You are definitely not boring or stupid, and your friends love you. Why do you think I came to Taco Bell when I couldn't eat anything there? To hang out with boring person Lora? No! To hang out with my awesome friend Lora! I'm not very good at saying stuff here, but I'm sure Rachel and Hannah will be along soon to say something way better than I can... Just know that you are liked and loved by your friends and that I am always praying for you. I'm here if you ever have something you want to talk about.
Lylas! Happy Valentine's Day!-
at Wednesday, February 15, 2006
said... Lora! You are an amazing girl! You should never think differently. You're friends love you for who you are, don't feel like you need to try to be someone else. I will be praying for you.
God Bless!-
at Thursday, February 16, 2006
said...
Lora!Lora!you know you said that "i feel like i dont fit in" well we weren't meant to fit into this world.Lora you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
AWESOME!!!!!!you are one of the coolest people i know!and you are wanted!!!!!by everyone at the homie couches!really.and you've been an awesome friend to everyone who knows you!you're awesome!and when u get depressed thats what Satan wants to happen he want's us to feel sad he want's us to think that theres nothing in this life..........but there is.sorry if this sounds really weird coming from me but im just trying to incourage you.and you are such amazeing friend you make me happy lol so c ya-
at Thursday, February 16, 2006
said...
Hey lora. Babe, i know exactly how you feel. And there really isn't anything anyone can say to make it feel better. All we can say, is we love you, you are awsome, and you are nothing like you think or feel you are. Keep the truth in mind even if it feels like the greatest lie. Love ya so much. I'm always here.
-
at Friday, February 17, 2006
said...
Lora,
I know that what you are dealing with right now is particularly hard. We all go through things like that, not feeling wanted/loved and feeling like this is all just a waste of time. I know that things will get better. I know this for a fact. It may not seem like it now and I am pretty sure me telling you that won't change the way you feel or think about things, but it is true. The Lord tells us that in this world we will have pain and suffering, but then he goes on to say that we should take heart(be encouraged) because He has overcome the world. He already won. That is an incredible truth that I think we as Christians forget all about most of the time.
I know that it is incredibly hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. That is such a scary thing. The fact that all we can see at some points is a very large tree in front of us, but the cool part about it is after we gain some more perspective on what we have been through we can see God's whole creation in front of us.
Know that you are loved and wanted, especially at youth group. I have seen you be such a good friend to all of the other girls in our shepherding group, and it makes me want to be a better shepherd.
I love you girl,
Jeni-
at Sunday, February 19, 2006
said...
Lora -
Find me Wednesday, I have some very real things you can do. Seriously. It all starts with a CD I'm going to make you.
Ross
