I feel dead...I JUST woke up..Isn't that insane? It's almost 3. For some reason, i've been able to sleep all the time lately. I've been drained out and tired all the freakin time. It's not the greatest feeling. It could be alergies, could be something else. Who knows.

Summers really boring so far. I have absolutly nothing to do...Nobody to talk to at home sense my sisters gone on Choir Tour. My moms ussually working, my dads ussually gone. Any suggestions on what I can do besides the computer? Something I realized is that when your on the computer all the time, it narrows everything that you could be doing. It makes everything else look boring, it limits what you want to do, or should be doing. I hope that makes sense. It really controlls my life. Makes things like art, reading, writing less enjoyable. The things I should be doing, that are good for me. Computer kinda keeps me locked up, in a shell, away from reality. It forces me to put everything aside for a whole day. And then it leaves me a day behind. In many ways. I don't know how to explain it all that well. I guess I just need prayer.

I kinda feel like everybody views me as "Somebody who complians, has no personatliy, is boring, whines, and is tired all the time." I just wanna be able to feel okay. I need advice on some things, ideas, suggestions, anything to get me outta this. I'm trying to just put up with the feeling, but is that the best thing to do?

I mainly just wanna stop feeling so dead and tired. I feel like i'm dreaming every second of the day. I feel like i'm not awake, yet not asleep. I hate it, I realized it makes my life a lot more complicated and stressfull than it should be. I just don't wanna waste my whole summer. I did that last year, and regreat it. I don't wanna repeat my past, I feel like that's set in concrete. I do it almost every summer. I just sit on the computer the whole summer, waste everything away.

Well Polka Dancin is on Saturday. Who's goin?! I'm excited, i just don't know if i'll be going or not now. Sara's coming home Saturday night, and I might just stay home for that instead. Besides, I kinda feel like, "what's the point of going, if everybody just sees me like I see myself?" Does that make sense? I really don't wanna be around others if i'm just gunna sit there, be tired and down. I wanna be a good friend, person, sister in Christ for everybody. But I can't even come close to being anything at all.

I love you guys, I'm not posting this to discourage anyone, i just need prayer, advice, and I wanted everybody to know what's been going on and stuff. I am doing better though, i'm actually pretty happy at Church on Sundays and Wensdays. But it's like, that's all I get. Every other second of the week is wasteful. I just sit there and do nothing. But I am doing better, thanks to everybodys support, encouragment, prayer, hugs and friendships. Espessaily at Church, i'm really encouraged. There's no way for me to be down and stuck in all my problems, people just encourage me so much to where I'm just like, "as for now, who cares? I'm just gunna be happy." That's how I always wanna be.. But it's to hard for me. Espessaily sense I'm stuck in so many things I donno what to do about. It's the same things everyday.

Well gotta go, my mom wants to watch Duplex with me. Be praying if you could. Advice and prayer would be great.

Love you all very much, have a good day, week and summer!

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared, and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness from a man who is stronger
But I am just a little girl, and I can't go back.