9/06/2006

Nothing ever happens

I give up writing poetry, this is one of the last poems I wrote. I gave up because I write lies. Things that aren't true about myself. I have never been what it says within this poem. I try to and want to, I pray that God would force me to want to, but nothing ever happens. Explain to me why it's this way. Why I have to go on neglecting the reality that I should be living? Why can't I be something worthwhile!? My life is so purposless, so stupid and so pointless. There's no point in my life when I live like this. Therefor, I never have a point or purpose in my life, because I always live selfishly and without God. I bassically live life oppisite of what this poem says. I live opposite of what all my poetry says. It's not that I want to, I've screamed and cryed out for God to change me into somebody more. Nothing ever happens, I remain the same old Lora. I want to change, and I always say or think, "I'll change and start things new tomorrow", when i'm not even promised today. I need to change no day but today. But I put it off, I never trust God anymore, i've become the opposite of what I write. Complelty the opposite. Yet I want to be what I write. Why do I write lies? Why do I say things like "God Bless You", what does that even mean? Why do I sing worship songs? If I never mean what i'm singing? I just don't have what it takes to mean what I sing or mean what I wright. I don't truly know where I stand on anything with God. Because nothing ever happens in my walk with him, It's like nothings there. I never feel anything with God and nothing ever happens between him and I. As far as I know, Gods never blessed me like i've wanted him to spiritually, God hasn't blessed me in a lot of ways I want him to, have wanted him too. Do I write about what I want to be over the stupid person I am? Who knows. Comments are wanted and welcomed. I give up on finding God, he's going to have to find me. Like that'll ever happen. I cannot write poetry anymore. I just can't. It makes me upset, and I hate writing lies about myself. What's the point in that? I'm really not what this poem says. I'm a stupid selfish person. Sorry if I let any of you down into thinking I was a better person by all my stupid fake writing.

I'm turning my heart towards heavens perfect light
As I give you my sin, i'm turning away from my fright
I kneel down to pray "God please give my eyes your sight,
Show me what i'm supossed to be
I give up living only for me
I am ready to start tonight
Show me the joy of your eternal light
Take away theese memories that give my heart pain
Don't let me turn away, don't let me stay the same
Keep me from living on my own and going insane
On my own i'm headed for dissapointment and pain
But with you, i can have something to live for, something to gain
Take away my sinful flesh for it will rob me from what is best
Give me a desire and heart to live for you,
Blind me to what man thinks is better,
for it will only lead to living my life un-true
I'm tired of not being able to walk and stand
And so i pray that you would take my right hand
And lead me through this sin filled land
Help me be a light unto this dark nation
Through you're holy word and eternal dedication
Use me to lead others out of their hopless despiration."


Lora. Jayne at 4:01 PM

1comments

1 Comments

at Thursday, September 07, 2006 Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey babe. i'm glad that you can admit that, and that you're open enough to say it. the truth is, thats not true for any of us without Gods devine intervention. i've got a couple of suggestions and possible ways to look at this, they might not help and if they don't then ignore them. my first one is, instead of seeing the poem as what you ARE doing, try thinking of it as what you are TRYING to do. and how you can be. thats how i've viewed any possitive things i've written, and during worship thats how i view the songs, because i know i'd be lieing if i said thats how i am. Such as, "I'm comming back to the heart of worship, and its all about You." i have to tell myself thats what i'm trying to do, i'm not there yet, but i'm still striving for it. I agree with hannahs comment too. God created you, he wants you to be who you are. he loves you no matter what we do. Another suggestion i have, is, if thats not you, then try writting what you really feel, try writting whats really wrong, and then compare it to what you have been writting. Look at the differences and then that might help you be able to express whats going on, and how you feel to others. and that might even let you see some areas that are bugging you that you didn't even know about. now this doesn't mean to focus on the pain and thats all you think about. That just means writting what you feel down and then letting it stay there on the paper. Its out of you, and you keep moving on. there are soo many areas we, as fleshly humans, will always fall in, but every time we fall, we have to get back up again. as dave says, we aren't failiures because we fall, we're failiures when we don't get back up. even after the hundred millionth time. i know all of this is soo much easier said then done, and i can't say i'm doing it without tons of faults. but its worth a shot. it amazes me that you can even write happy optimistic things, i can't even do that. all my stuff is sad and somewhat dark. if you get online soon i'd like to talk with you and pray with you. maybe i can show you some of my stuff and you could get some ideas? i'm here to help, along with many other people. you're amazing whether you write happy poetry or sad. and no one will be let down, they might be sad for you, because you're still struggling, but they, we, won't, don't, look down on you. love you lora. i'm praying and i'm always a phone call, or IM away. i know its really hard with school and family things going on too, but try and keep hope. maybe sometime soon you can come over and we can hang out and have some fun. i know we both could use that in the middle of these hard, stressful, constantly strained sittuations. you're not alone, and you will never have to find your way in the dark. God is here, and He is watching over you. He loves you, and wants to take care of you. In His timeing, if it is even on this earth, he will reveal the truth, the purpose. keep trying, and keep faith. keep going and you will see that day.

 

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