12/08/2006
Apology & regreats
This will be hard to post. Yet I feel I need to post it.
This apology goes out to every single friend and family member.
It basically goes out to everyone I know.
Over the last year, i've been going through a lot. I still am.
Yet it gives me no right to act the way i've been acting.
You might be thinking or saying right now,
"How have you been acting? I'm lost."
Well, let me explain.
I haven't been a good anything towards anyone.
Not a good sister, friend, cousin, dauther, etc...
Don't comment and say I have, because I haven't.
I've been very selfish & self-focused. I guess it's because i've been going through a lot, but that still doesn't make it right to act the way I do. I've been focused on my problems, worries & struggles. At times, throughout this year, I have completely isolated myself from those that love me and want to help. People started coming up to me saying, "Have I done something wrong and how come you ignore now?" The thing is, the people who are in imy life right now are amazing. It's nothing they've done. It's just me being stupid. Here I have so many people who love me & want to help. Yet I run in fear and act as if I don't know them sometimes. I don't expect everyone to understand this post. Probably just the people who have been hurt will understand it. I can tell you a few reasons why I think i'm this way. I think one of the main reasons is simply fear. Fear of someone knowing the real me & fear of letting me out. I also know it has to do from trusting people and being broken by people in the past. However, I shouldn't let past events keep me locked up as I do. Besides, the friends/family I have today? They wouldn't hurt me like the people in my past did. The people in my life right now, I don't deserve. Especially because of the stupid ways I act out.
For anyone I've hurt, i'm sorry. I'm tired of making the people I love feel they can't even be around me. I want to give something back and be something better instead of hurting those I love and making them feel guilty.
I'm going to try and be more open. I'm going to try and not isolate myself. I'm going to try and step out of my box and be a friend back for once!
I'm sorry, I really am. I want to do better. I know for a fact that i've hurt many people by this. I've made people feel useless in the friendship. Because that person would give give and give and want to be my friend, and i'd only run with my pain and run away from them. I've walked away from broken friendships, and all of them have been broken because of stupid me. I hope God will help me change. If he's even there. Cause I can't try and escape this on my own anymore.
This post might sound weird. But I don't care. I had to get this out. I'm tired of scaring away friends, losing the people that want to help. One can only give me so many changes before they'll want to give up on me. I'd want to give up on me if I were somebody else. This is why I want to change!
Don't comment & tell me i'm something great. Because i'm not. I've been a selfish, non-dependable, self-focused friend. I've become very lonely, and It's all my fault it's this way.
I don't want my friends to be thinking it's their fault that i'm lonely. Some told me they thought maybee they weren't there enough or maybee they thought ehy should pay attention more. It was really my fault. I hate it how i've made loved ones feel it's their fault whenever the friendships/relashionships become distant. It's all my fault.
I'm sorry for anyone I have hurt. You've been nothing but a blessing to me. Sorry if I don't accept you at times. It's nothing you've done, don't take it personally. It's just me living in fear.
PICS OF THE DAY:
I don't know what i'd do without either of them.
Lora. Jayne at 9:36 AM
5 Comments
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at Friday, December 08, 2006
said... hey lor. im gunna b honest here.
yes uve hurt me a few times. made me kinda feel lik i was a worthless friend, that i wasnt doin a good job or sometin.
but i know its only cause ur goin through stuff. i think right now, u just dont know how to be a friend to others. sometimes thats ok. i understand why ur this way. id be this way to if i had a past like urs. i am this way when im depressed. i think a lot of pple are.
i do see fear in u. ur scared of being out in the open because ur scared of being hurt again. know that by having friends, ur risking getting hurt anyways. but its worth it. ull have more good friends than u will bad friends. theres always more good then there is bad.
work in this fear lor. dont let it take everything u have.
i wont give up on u. and i know from what cool stuff uve said bout ur friends taylor kara and alli know that they wont give up on u either.
lov u! dont give up lor.
youre not meant to be alone nobody is.-
at Friday, December 08, 2006
said...
hey lor. im gunna b honest here.
yes uve hurt me a few times. made me kinda feel lik i was a worthless friend, that i wasnt doin a good job or sometin.
but i know its only cause ur goin through stuff. i think right now, u just dont know how to be a friend to others. sometimes thats ok. i understand why ur this way. id be this way to if i had a past like urs. i am this way when im depressed. i think a lot of pple are.
i do see fear in u. ur scared of being out in the open because ur scared of being hurt again. know that by having friends, ur risking getting hurt anyways. but its worth it. ull have more good friends than u will bad friends. theres always more good then there is bad.
work in this fear lor. dont let it take everything u have.
i wont give up on u. and i know from what cool stuff uve said bout ur friends taylor kara and alli know that they wont give up on u either.
lov u! dont give up lor.
youre not meant to be alone nobody is.-
at Friday, December 08, 2006
said...
hey lora. well, i've been one of those who've asked you if i've done something to offend you. so i'm going to be blunt. (you're like "oh boy")yes, you have sorta hurt me in the past year. but i know as best as anyone what its like to be suffering, one thing you might keep in mind, is during times of pain, suffering and cunfusion, though we need people now more then ever, we'll always push them away. it is fear, but its also that we're afraid to put ourselves out in our time of weakness. if we're struggling physically, then we're even more reluctant to do anything that we feel might just add more pain, or make us even more weak. and we feel like we can't figure out whats wrong with us. we want stability before we step out. for me at least, its generally sub-consious. maybe this isn't you, but its just a thought. lora, i've been the same way, i still struggle with it, but its something you can work through. being able to admit all this and apologize is a huge step in itself. i admire that about you alot. i know you said don't comment and tell me i'm amazing, but i'm going to anyway. lora, you're amazing. no one is perfect during times of suffering, its a learning period. I know i'm not your closest friend or easiest to get in touch with, but i'm always here for you. no matter how, or who you act like. i love you lora. i'm praying for you.
Never compare yourself to anyone else, because we are all different. So don't change to be something "better", just because you feel like you should. We love you how you are, we won't turn away, we wouldn't. we all mess up, but forgive yourself, epsecially when the ones you've "offended" have already forgiven you. love you-
at Saturday, December 16, 2006
said...
this post means a lot 2 me. thanks lora. i love you
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at Monday, December 18, 2006
said...
we're hot
