7/12/2007

The pain of searing loss

I am incapable of being patient, hopeful or joyful right now. I don't know why, but God continues on giving me friends I love with all my life, and then simply removing them from my life. I am starting to get scared of knowing anyone at all, or finding a grip on anything at all, for it is always torn out from underneath me. I am starting to feel very alone and feeling I can't change this, scares me. Growing up scares me as well. Starting today, I am paying for my own car insurance and cell phone bills. Sounds simple right? Not really. This is only one figment of the large majority of responsibilities within growing up, and I have only begun and it will only grow more as time goes by.

So many things, yet I don't want to complain, therefor I'll stop talking about this. However, I would like to ask for prayer or any advice you might have. I really need it. Certain unfortunate events have only began and this is is only a mere shadow of what is to come.

Now for a change of subject; I just got back late last night from Texas. Reasons for being there was visiting the Nazworths, my brother and his beautiful wife. I had a very, very good time. I miss them so much, it was so hard to leave everyone there. Every moment spent with them is usually within the happiest and most meaningful moments of life. Carissa showed me an extremely neat verse that I'd like to share. I found it very comforting yet haunting.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
And whose hope is the LORD.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit."

I don't know why, but this verse really speaks to me.

Not only did I discover this verse while I was away, but I also discovered, learned and realized a great deal of many things. The main realization being; friends that can speak your mind and love you no matter what, are such a important thing in life, even if you lose them or aren't able to see them as often as wanted. Moments spent should never be taken lightly, but taken to the heart in knowing such moments are temporary and can easily slip away. I also realized that I am very selfish and do not appreciate things well enough. And I realized that living doesn't always require knowing what our purposes are. Instead, It requires knowing God and having faith in everything and accepting the fact that we won't understand a lot of things while on this planet. And we may not know why we even breathe. I put myself through so much misery, part of it being because I always feel I have to be at use and know I'm at use within anything I do. But maybe God designed things to be different. For us to only sometimes, see our purpose. So that we don't trust in ourselves to bring forth a purpose and instead have to be dependent upon him in and of our confusion and suffering.

Now that i've talked everyones head off, I should probably go.

Before I do, i'd like to post a few Mexico pictures, and before I post these few pictures, I'd like to say one more thing.

This being; Thank you God for friends & family. Even the ones who are temporarily or only sometimes placed within our life's. I am so very blessed to have the wonderful friends I do. Thank you that every one of us can find someone who can speak the words to our hearts and minds. Not as well as you, but at least to some extent. We know we can't find purpose in someone, we know only we can find it in you, but we know that we have others and knowing that makes life so much easier.

Thanks to David, Margaret, Ryan, Jayme and Carissa for this last week. And thanks to everyone else who is my friend and family member. I love you all and am so glad God has placed you in my life.

Now for a few Mexico pictures.

I leave on this last note: The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

Stay strong & hold on, for this too shall pass.

Lora. Jayne at 4:35 PM

6comments

6 Comments

at Thursday, July 12, 2007  Anonymous said...

Hey lora, its so awesome that you can express how you feel and strong emotions through such simple words. Its not an easy thing to do. Loss is something that plauges us our whole lives, and its never an easy thing. I'm having alot trouble myself with people around me. Just remember, when you focus so much on the thing(s) you're losing, you might lose the grip on the things you still have. I know you might feel so hollow and alone, but others are right there with you, and some might feel like they're losing you. This isn't critisism, if it came off that way, i'm sorry. Just thoughts. Keep telling yourself the truth, even if it seems like the biggest lie.
I love you very much. I'm really glad you're back. We've missed you.

OH, Mrs. hill emailed me asking if she could use my highlighted drivers manual for taylor. Do you think you could bring it on sunday, so one of us could give it to her? Taylor can take his test in a few weeks, so they want to start studying.

 

at Friday, July 13, 2007  Anonymous said...

Hey Lora..sorry I didn't say goodbye before I left. I thought that I was going to help Ryan the next day but that fell through =/. Ah well...as for your post, know that I'm praying for you. Life can be terrible...but God is good.

-Josh

 

at Friday, July 13, 2007  Anonymous said...

>_< Country is awesome...you poor deprived soul lol.

Dorky? Hardly. You strike me more as a mature young woman. Life doesn't seem to treat you well though...all I can recomend are the arms of Jesus. It was nice talking to you over the weekend and I hope we can talk some more the next time we meet.

I LOVE Ted Dekker...I need to read Saint then I'll have read all of his books related to the Circle. Mm hm...but yes, I ramble.

 

at Saturday, July 14, 2007  Anonymous said...

you looked so so so sad today lora... u should talk to someone... u really should.. i am here if u need me! i don't know much, but i'll still listen because i love you!

this post tells me your sad as well. in this post you tell of hope though, today on the other hand u seemed to have none.

i hope ur okay. i love u.

 

at Monday, July 16, 2007  Anonymous said...

I love that picture of you and eric! That's so cute.

 

at Monday, July 16, 2007  Anonymous said...

i'm sorry about what happened... man, i don't know why god is giving you such a hard time in life right now lora, but this I do know. You will make it through, and god will bring something beautiful out of this. Please, don't give up.... I love you.

 

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