8/13/2007
What do you do?
When your best friend moves away?
And when this best friend happens to be your first.
How do you let something so valuble go?
I can't help but feel completely broken and alone about it all.
I thought i'd be over it by now, but I am only feeling worse each time I go anywhere and Aly is not there.
I am reminded I have lost her within each day, because the phone doesn't ring.
And so many of the things I joke about are not understood by anyone else.
What are you supposed to do when the one person who related to you in every way possible, just is simply removed from your life?
I've tried to fit in elsewhere, but feel so misplaced.
I know I am complaining when I say this, but God seems to always take away people that I've always dreamed of having but have never had.
Aly for example. All the other friends i'd ever had proved to me that they didn't really care that much. Most just wanted to use me.
When I finally got what i'd always needed, everything seemed okay for once. I didn't feel broken, and instead of my best friend hurting me, it healed me. I finally felt secure about myself and got the courage to start talking to others once again in a way that i hadn't for years upon years. Having a true best friend also gave me the courage to be myself. All the friends that broke my heart began to fade, because I had finally found a best friend that could make things okay.
Now I know I have other friends, but I isolate myself from them so much.
I might open up at CIY, but as soon as I come back, i'm hidden inside four walls once again. I bearly hang out with people now, and only see people twice a week for two hours at Church. Besides that, things such as the computer have became my best friend.
Other people that are close to me have now moved away, or have alway been far away. The Nazowrths, my sister-in-law, my brother Ryan and brother Eric, my sister, my cousin Aaron, etc..
Now i'm not saying I don't know my friends at Church, they mean so very much to me. But I have stopped trying to know them as soon as aly left. Now I am returning to the broken old self that stays inward more than outward.
So if anyone has advice, please say something. Because I am at loss of what to do.
How do you reach out to others when you can't even reach yourself anymore?
How do you reach out to others when you're afriad they'll either use you, or they'll move, or leave you?
The blatant pretense of failure occurs in my life more and more.
I don't want to go back to how I used to be. I know there are others, I just don't know how to accept them. I am a very very insecure person and if a person does something saying they don't like me, I will blame myself and say I messed up and that i'm a failure. And I will give up, just like that. I don't try very hard anymore, and I want to know how I can try once again.
What if I can't find another Aly? I don't want to live my life so alone.
Sorry for complaining so much.
For those of you who don't know aly, this is her.
Lora. Jayne at 12:35 AM
3 Comments
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at Tuesday, August 14, 2007
said... Lora, I can't even relate to the depth of loss and pain you're feeling right now. I don't even know if I can help. But Know that I feel for you tremendously. Let this post show that I care.
You're grieving the loss of your best friend. Aly didn't die, but it feels like she did within you, at the least. Know that it's ok to be sad, to mourn so to speak. It's ok to cry, even in front of others, it doesn't make you weak or a crybaby, it means you're real. This won't go away quickly or easily, even if you want it to. That's normal. But don't let it affect you forever. And when you're at church or with friends, don't try to 'fit in' with some other group or try to insert yourself into some other 'clique' or whatever. You need specific people to lean on and give emotional support. Don't be scared to come to a friend and be like "I really need some support right now, I'm going through a hard time right now. Not to use them as a crutch or someone to avalanche on, but a physical person who can help or just be there. Make sure you can trust her, (a girl would be best) someone in your grade or someone older. But don't get paranoid and isolate yourself from everyone. I think that's what you're doing right now. Everyone isn't out to get you, use and take advantage of you. We all love you, Lora. If you come up to someone and they respond positively, make them fully aware that they can honestly tell you that it's too much for them. (A bad way to say it is let them know what they're getting into.) And if someone has already offered, take them up on it. Don't second guess their motives or commitment. Let me just say that you are not a failure just because you've had bad friends. Don't blame yourself for their actions. (Extreme example: It's not someone's fault if their raped.) It's not your fault if you didn't know they would do what they did when you first became friends. And don't beat yourself for when you realized it and didn't remove yourself. It's hard to get out of those situations. Your friends (choices) don't define who you are. You're better than what they did, so you AREN'T A FAILURE.
But how do you recover? The day you stop trying is the day you start dying. (maybe that's a bit extreme but...) None of us will ever be the same as Aly, I know we can't replace what she means to you. But that doesn't mean you just give up on everyone else. Maybe try hanging out with a variety of people or try to get to know certain people. Nothing is going to happen in an instant. This will take time, and it will be maddening if you let get to you and if you don't have the right mindset. It's hard rebuilding, but it's worse hiding and doing nothing. (then nothing happens and you you get depressed about it and the fact that you're not doing anything about it, and you see no improvement and it makes you not want to try)
You want to know how to try again? You have a huge resource of strength found in the Father. He loves you, even when you hate Him. Jesus went through everything and knows exactly how you feel. He felt the same things you're feeling right now. Think Jesus never lost friends? And He felt even greater loneliness on the cross, separated from his Father. You also have the Spirit who screams and pleads for you and intercedes for you. He live inside of you giving you the strength to conquer all things. God cares for you much more than I ever could. And He never gives up on you. You're probably sick of God right now. But (sometimes annoyingly) that's what life boils down to. We are broken vessels needing Him to make us whole.
How do we remember that and live it? I'm still trying to figure that out. But I know it has to do with faith, a firm foundation, and (maybe outside reminders) people to encourage you.
I hope this can help you somehow. I'm always here if you need me.
In life, as you build up your house, God takes pieces away to make you a better one.-
at Tuesday, August 14, 2007
said...
I am not any good at this but I will try to help. I have had 2 friends move away and I have lost contact with one of those people. They only reason I have that one friend that I still come in contact with, is because she has relatives in OK. But if it weren't for her relatives then I would never see them again. Don't lose hope here is a bible verse to help: He will keep perfect peace for those who trust in him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord. Isaiah 26:3 Hope it helps!!!!!!
Love
Aaron-
at Thursday, August 16, 2007
said...
Hey Lora,
I'm not very good at this either but I have had friends move. I've had about...5 I think. I've also had several losses through death. But what I've learned, is not to try to replace them. They can't be replaced. Try to remember them. I don't think Aly would want you to be lonely or broken. She would want you to stay close to your other friends because she can't.
I love you!! I don't know if that helps at all, but those are my thoughts on it. I love you!! And Aly. We'll see her soon though. : )
Katie
